Pregnancy Diaries: The First Trimester
So, 2020 started interestingly (as you’ve probably guessed from the title of this post) and what was going to stay offline for the duration of pregnancy, had a little shall we say, change in circumstance. You see, with the pandemic that currently surrounds us, I was finding it pretty hard to deal with pregnancy on top of that, and found myself going in search of other pregnant folk online for comfort, knowing that I wasn’t alone. And with there feeling such a sense of community, I decided that actually, maybe a little brightness was needed - so I shared our news.
I was so overwhelmed by everyone’s response and DMs who were also pregnant, that I thought I’d share how my journey so far has been, which I’d been documenting from day one in my notes (and hugely sponsored by many tears!). What I have learnt the most from this so far is that everyones experiences really are incredibly different, and how you’re feeling or not feeling doesn’t define how this is going to be. So from an already emotional person on the best of days, this is my story so far:
WEEK 4
Cried. A lot.
Can’t help but feel so guilty that I’ve cried every single time I’ve thought about it (which is probably every 0.02 seconds), when this is all we wanted. And now that it’s happening, I just can’t quite get my head around it. Are we REALLY READY for this? I’m not so sure.
WEEK 5
Is it normal to feel in denial? Like should I be doing another test again (to add to the other three piled up), just to be sure? And how can I do everything in my power to make sure this all goes OK. Everything I do, I’m worrying about it resulting in a miscarriage.
WEEK 6
It’s started - the constant nauseous feeling. And the boobs, oh the boobs are hurting. This feels a lot more real now. I think, anyway - unless whatever is happening is just in my head as a way of trying to convince myself I’m pregnant. Should I test again? I want to test again. Just to you know, be sure that I read it right. On the plus side, we told the BFF this week and it’s definitely perked me up. It may have only lasted a few days then the fear overtook me again, but small wins.
This is a weird ride. And it’s only been two weeks.
Cannot eat anything other than beige.
And no, I haven’t tested again.
WEEK 7
Really dislike saying it, but pregnancy sucks huh? I shouldn’t say that because I’m obviously blessed to be at this stage, but I’d also just really like to not feel so rough and constantly have everything weighing down on me.
People must suspect too. I look like I’ve died about four times over. Never looked so pale and drained as I have now. Fuck people saying you glow.
WEEK 8
A mixture of emotions this week (story of my life these days) - and I 150% did not appreciate when a friend of a friends friend touched my stomach and said I’d have to get used to that. Oh honey, no.
Also had my first midwife appointment which was great to hear more. She was incredibly lovely. Reassuring. I think she even got a few laughs from me and had me even convincing myself that we’re so chill and got this, when really i don’t think we have. Still very much terrified about birth. Labour. You name it. Terrified. Even it’s 869437 months away…
WEEK 9
To be honest I’m not so sure how I’ve felt this week - it feels a little more real as we edge closer to the scan date (which still feels like years away!). Found myself with moments of cradling my stomach a little, like maybe this will all be OK. Oh and food? Yeah, I think it might be getting a little better. Sometimes.
WEEK 10
Had a panic attack this week (thanks work) and I tried so hard not to get stressed about it but that just made it feel worse. I’m now feeling like I won’t forgive myself if anything happens. It’s a good job we’re going on holiday for a few days, so I can relax and rest and just look after me. Or should I say us!
I’ve also felt a small comfort in my bloat this week and have grown to become attached to it - it’s this new part of me, of us, and is such a mixture of emotions but right now I’m feeling curious, and excited. And frightened all at the same time.
WEEK 11
I find it hard to explain how I feel this week. I've never counted down to something as much as I am this scan - this scan determines so much that feels unknown and uncertain right now. This scan will change our life, and hopefully for the better. But I can't help but have thought more about and prepared myself more for bad news. I've never known whether i'm more of a 'glass half full or glass half empty' kinda person as I think various situations impact my views, but I've almost prepared myself for this not being good news. And maybe that's because I'm so afraid, so afraid that if I only thought positive, those words I'd not prepared myself for, would hit me like a ton of bricks. When actually, regardless of how much I've told myself that these things happen, and if anything bad happens at the scan, then it's no reflection on me or anything I could have done, I know that I really won't have prepared for it.
You see i'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. And i'm really frightened. Because I really want this, and I really want everything to be OK, and as much as I spent the first five weeks (and the rest) in a bag of emotions feeling confused and uneasy, subconsciously you've already built up a bond with your unborn child. Those evenings I've struggled to sleep, all those weeks I've hardly been able to eat, those endless tears and panics, the constant nausea, the hibernation, the lies, and the importance of putting yourself first, have all been for this unborn child. The child you long to have, but don't quite know if you'll ever meet them. I long to hear that there's a heartbeat and that everything's OK and this worry is just part of the first trimester, and I long to spend the next of these seven months thinking about nothing but my unborn child. But I'm scared. I'm really scared.
And it's all I think about.
WEEK 12
Hit week 12 yesterday, and when I got a text from my mum saying “you’ve officially made it”, I became the usual negative person “you know, we THINK we’ve made it, but we really don’t know”. And since then, I’ve thought that yeah actually, we have made it. Maybe it IS all OK. There’s still been no sign of blood, and I’ve sure checked every single time I’ve peed. And that’s a whole lot of of pees. And I still don’t want every single bit of food. And I still feel tired. And my stomach still feels tight and hard and isn’t now flat in the morning and bloated by evening - nope, it’s just small and hard all the time.
So maybe they are right, maybe we have made it. Maybe we should stop worrying. Maybe we need to start enjoying it. Maybe the scan will be absolutely fine and that worry and fear from last week will be for nothing. One things for sure, emotions really are a jumbled bag during pregnancy.
It’s the night before THE day.
Everyone’s been incredibly sweet, dropping me messages from ‘good luck tomorrow’ to ‘will be waiting by my phone for updates’ and ‘can’t wait to share the pictures and tell people’, and I know everyone means well, and I know everyone’s excited but I have never felt so overwhelmed with this pressure, as I do right now. There’s this huge cloud over me, making my chest feel tight and like it’s overtaking my thoughts of anything else. But why? Why the pressure? Where I felt so nervous for maybebaby (that’s what we’re referring it to now) and myself, and Tim, I now feel so nervous in potentially letting people down. I hope to everything that I can share good news, and laugh off in my usual style about how much of a worrier I am, and that there’s really nothing to worry about anymore. But how will we tell them if it’s not the news they wanted or were expecting? How will they deal with it? Will they be OK? Where do we go from here? And are they going to check in on my everyday until I next announce to them I’m back in the same situation? This shouldn’t be my priority, I should be my priority but instead I’m too busy thinking about how everyone else will feel.
WEEK 13
We’re having a baby. An actual real life baby.
With fingers and toes, and a giant head.
I cannot explain that moment, that feeling. But I know that I’ve never felt more relieved than I did when the sonographer said to us “there is a baby in there but it just won’t sit still”. After that moment, I feel like I can’t remember the rest of it, except patiently waiting until she told me I could go pee. Because it’s really uncomfortable having some push down on a full bladder telling you to relax, as you try so desperately not to wet yourself huh?
And it’s just in time that I’ve started to enjoy being pregnant - so long hangovers that I don’t have to deal with. Every cloud and that…
