Pregnancy Diaries: The Second Trimester

It’s fair to say that this trimester hasn’t been how I imagined to spend a third of my pregnancy, and probably the remainder of it..

You see, I’d just started to overcome tiredness and that morning-sickness-that-never-quite-resulted-in-actual-sickness, and was feeling in a bubble throughout week 13 having just had our scan. And anxious and excited to tell everyone the good news. Then I got sick. Like super sick. Everyone is convinced it was COVID-19 whereas I’m not so sure, but either way, the time in that I should be enjoying pregnancy, showing off my growing bump and telling people this incredible news, has been far from that. And it’s been hard. Real tough. And this is my experience of the second trimester in a global pandemic

WEEK 14

Well here’s something that we learnt this week, sex at 5am may seem well and good when you can’t sleep but when you’ve already got a sensitive cervix that clearly heightens during pregnancy due to the increased blood flow, there’s a strong chance that you’ll bleed. And spend the next three hours wondering what to do. Is it something bad? Should I call the doctors? I bleed during my smear tests, so surely this is just another thing. Should I worry?
What followed after that, was a nervous call to the Triage unit of my registered hospital, followed by an even more nervous walk into the unit where we sat for four hours until we were seen. It was a pretty rough ride to be honest. And whilst I’m a female, whenever someone asked me if I was spotting, it was something I’d never quite understood. Until this moment. Thankfully with a share of some toilet pictures, a reassuring scan and a chat about this possibly happening again, we were sent on our way relaxed, and able to laugh at our 5am antics (possibly a little put off at that too).
And then we got ill.

WEEK 15

It started with a cough, my shortness of breath became apparent. Now as a long time asthmatic, I’m used to this, so I brushed it off with just being pregnant, the change in weather and the fact I’d skipped another flu jab. Halfway through week 14, and all the way through week 15, was just a write off. I remember very little, but I know that there were five days in which I didn’t leave my bed. I barely ate, I barely drank, I couldn’t muster up the energy to walk to the sofa which was mere feet away, and I couldn’t even be bothered to sit up in bed. The doctor brushed it off as pneumonia and with a course of antibiotics, I thought it was best to just sleep it off,
Two days, three days and eventually four days passed, and I was exactly the same as I was seven days before the antibiotics. And I started bleeding again. This time for no apparent reason. Eventually, we called 111 and at this point were incredibly stretched and overworked, however had informed me that from what I was telling them of my symptoms, I was most likely having a threatened miscarriage and some form of flu. But without the drastic fever, it couldn’t be COVID-19 (testing emerged months later showing that you didn’t need to have had all the three original symptoms…), and that I should come to A&E.
Tim bundled me into the car, raced into A&E to retrieve two masks, and then brought me in. The nurse who greeted me was the kindest soul, and through my tears, panic attack and overwhelming worries, she helped get me straight into a bed. We stayed there for six hours, with various tests, prodding and a visit from the gyno. With no apparent illness showing and thankfully baby still very much there and active, I returned home and told to rest up and come back if it didn’t improve within a week!

WEEK 16

After the visit to A&E, I was days away from 16weeks, and very much out of the worst of it. I was still lethargic and with little energy, but with my bump starting to come out, I put my energy and time into caring for my unborn child. I was still on and off bleeding, and felt like I wasted so much time contacting the midwives asking for their advice and reading every single website and article on bleeding during pregnancy, but it eventually stopped again and we narrowed it down to the visit from the gyno having a lasting effect.
To top it off an already intense few weeks, I was made redundant.

WEEK 17

Counting up to 22 days of not leaving the house (apart from the two trips to the hospital), I finally made it out to my rescheduled 16week appointment. Whilst most 16 week appointments had been changed to a telephone one, I’d wanted to see my midwife for that extra reassurance following the last few weeks.
It was a weird one to be out, like really weird. I was already feeling anxious to be somewhere other than my four walls and fully aware, alone and scared not being able to have Tim with me (rules had changed so partners couldn’t join for scans and appointments) , and unsettled with emotions. When I was seen by a different midwife, upon her asking me how I was doing, she was met with tears. Endless tears.
We talked through the last few weeks, we talked about life, and we talked about my concerns. We talked about why I may bleed sporadically, which can be determined more at the next scan. And then we listened to the heartbeat, which was quite honestly, just the moment I think I’d been longing for without realising. I just wished Tim could have been there too. She wasn’t my original midwife I’d met before, but this midwife was caring, gentle and empathetic - and just the comfort I felt I needed at that time.
Feeling content, I headed home (quicker than I’ve ever gotten home before) back to my own comforts. And sat online ordering loads of baby clothes…

WEEK 18

I’m not quite sure if it’s the current situation or that I may be a little depressed, but I can’t sleep, I’m constantly tired and I’m low. Really low.
I have all this free time yet I’m lacking motivation and instead have replaced it with a stream of anxiety, unease and a heavy weight overshadowing me.. As I get bigger, I’m taking comfort in things being OK, but I still find myself worrying about everything. Will I bond with our child when it’s born? Will I be a good parent? Will I be able to provide a loving life? Will I be OK too?

WEEK 19

This week is hard. I miss seeing my friends and family, and whilst I don’t feel anything from a pregnancy point of view (it’s true what they say, second trimester is a breath of fresh air!), I never realised how much I want to be showing my friends and family my ever growing stomach. I also had my 20 week scan and sadness overtook the excitement as we headed to the hospital, knowing that Tim couldn’t come in and experience this either. No videoing, Facetiming or photos allowed, I sat down with every emotion under the sun going through my mind - this is supposed to be the most exciting time, yet I can’t help but feel a little like it’s been taken from us, taken from Tim. His first child and he can’t experience this with me. I sat with the sonographer for nearly half hour as she went through every tiny detail of this small human growing inside of me, and all those emotions I felt in the waiting room were replaced with fascination at how much detail can be seen.. This tiny human growing inside of me. Every single artery (actually that’s a lie, the sonographer could and told me, whereas I didn’t know what I was looking at!!). It’s fair to say this was a real mixed bag of a week, that’s for sure.

WEEK 20

One thing I’ve learnt whilst being pregnant, is that people may mean well, but sometimes it only adds to your worries and stresses. I’ve yet to feel the baby move, but from the 20 week scan, it was confirmed I have an anterior placenta, making it harder to feel those first movements. Some people say that you feel wind which turns out to be the baby moving, but truth be told, I’m not a windy person so that rules out that!
The days are up and down, and one day I’ll be questioning whether we’re ready for all of this, and then the other day i’ll be dreaming about what our child will look like and who it’ll take after. Nobody prepares you for these emotions on a daily, if not hourly basis!

WEEK 21

Crying in the bath has become a regular thing. My nipples have grown and appear darker and i’m struggling to accept them. And then I feel guilty, cause I know that there are much bigger issues and worries, but this was the kind of stuff I knew would get to me more than my stomach growing - and sometimes it’s hard to look past it all, at what incredible thing your body is doing when body dysmorphia doesn’t disappear overnight, pregnant or not pregnant. Everyday I am so grateful for this opportunity, getting to experience pregnancy as I know that others aren’t, and I made a vow to constantly work on learning to accept myself as I am. It’s a work in progress, but I’ll never give up.

WEEK 22

You can bet that the tears rolled through to the next week too. This time was about the leaky boob. I never knew that you could leak before having your baby, but after a few panicked texts to new mums, it was confirmed that this is actually very common followed by a ‘welcome to the future’ chat. Then I cried some more about feeling like I’ll be a terrible mum because i’m afraid of labour, and haven’t felt like I’ve been positive throughout pregnancy. Would it have been different if we weren’t in this current situation?
And then, I cried a little more, but this time because I finally felt a small flutter - movement!. And what a moment that was. It may have been small, but this is just the start. Welcome baby. I can feel you now.

WEEK 23

I know for a fact I sound like a broken record, but this part has been very strange and I don’t think the pandemic is helping - but I go through days when I feel such comfort from my bump, priding myself on how well I’m dealing with the changes especially growing a bump,, and then other days, I sit and cry about it all and struggle to accept this new body. Everything really changes so so much. However much you talk and prepare yourself, I don’t think you fully realise the extent of it all until it’s happening.
I also debated adding this in or not (it was kept in my notes), but I’m not sure why we get so nervous talking about sex in pregnancy, when the reason we got in the situation is because we had sex in the first place… BUT alas, it happened again. Like a scene from CSI Tim said. I decided against calling the Triage as I knew from previous conversations this could happen, however I learnt that at my next appointment (25 weeks), they told me whether I bleed a little or a lot, it’s always best to call. That’s my take away from this - you can never ever feel like you’re putting people out when it comes to your unborn child.

WEEK 24

I seem to have missed the cravings part of pregnancy (I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing), but I’ve got a sudden sweet tooth. And after a pack of jelly tots and a kinder bueno, we were welcomed with a very active baby which I didn’t realise impacted it so much!! Tim has also started to feel the movements too, so it’s been such a nice time for him. I’m appreciating him working from home, so that we can experience these small moments together at any time of the day.
We had a chat the other night about where we’re at, and whilst he’s getting involved as much as he can and is doing everything to make me happy and comfortable, he feels that pregnancy isn’t as fun as people make out (I quote he actually said it sucks). He wants to meet the baby now. And I couldn’t agree with him more!

WEEK 25

I can’t believe we’re nearly at the end of the second trimester and I have spent it all indoors (I counted that I have left the house a total of 8 times since week 14 - that includes walks!!). I just feel so angry at the government for this absolute joke that they’ve put on, and from a personal point, I’m saddened by the fact that we’ve missed out on so much of this time, especially with partners not being able to attend appointments and scans. These are the moments we’ll never get back.
In a contrast of reality, I had another appointment this week and we’ve just booked in all my appointments leading up to the week before our due date. SHIT IS GETTING REAL.

WEEK 26

Weird dreams have always been my forte, but one night this week I had a dream that I tried it on with Rod Stewart - so I guess that’s how my pregnancy is progressing…
There’s been a lot of conversation this week around racism and diversity, and whilst it’s felt overwhelming at times, I’ve really reflected on my white privilege and the future, wanting to make sure that my child grows up in a world where they’ll speak up, be accepting of everyone and work hard to help amplify the voices of Black people.

WEEK 27

It’s getting to that point where I’m not so good at working out my space around me. Bashing into things and thinking I have more room to get past than I actually do… Yep, this baby is really growing right now. And my tears are still completely there - the current situation, world news, and everything about being pregnant in a pandemic. It’s a lot. But I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.

I wonder if my emotions would have been different had the situation been different. I guess we’ll never know. But what I do know, is that I am now in the third and final trimester. And that is blowing my mind.

Not long left little one, not long left…